Crutches, Wine, and Some Good Paul Varjak Wisdom.

"Well, baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

Today was a bad day. Nothing horrendous happened, but it's been one of those days where you feel like the universe is against you every step of the way. Frustrated and irritated beyond belief while on my commute home my mind fluctuated between wanting to run away to start afresh or wanting to hear from some guy who could take my mind off of my current life.

That's when it hit me.

Much like a glass of wine to unwind from the stress of the day tonight I clearly saw how I sometimes contact guys to give me a distraction from my problems. I stopped myself from texting a couple of them this evening because I realized it would only temporarily take me away from my real life.

My real life is here and now. No matter who I'm with, what I do, where I go it will follow me. Probably the most important lesson that anyone can take to heart is that one. I am a big time offender of thinking a change of scenery is all it will take. Time and again all my former self finds a way back to me. Now, it's been a long time since I've up and moved somewhere new so I've since replaced that urge with fantasies of thing working out with guys in my life.

Sure some long shot possibilities of men can momentarily take my mind off of my frustrations, but in the long run it's about as healthy as any other vice. And the moral of this story is that I realized, in the moment, that this is unhealthy behavior. I abstained and I became that much stronger in order to win the fight for the life I want to live.