No not that kind of clock. I started writing tonight about how it's the end of the year, reflecting on the life I've built so far, when I realized that my current life has just... happened. I constantly let life happen to me and, while that's given me some fun times it isn't giving me what I will want a year from now and I will be in basically the same place (with the same problems) as now. While life sometimes just needs to happen I know I have to play a major part in making my life what I want it to be as well.
I can be somewhat good for a bit pushing forward in my life, but then fun gets in the way and instant gratification is the best! Or I think about how I need to have a real, i.e. serious, conversation with someone I may want to be with, thinking of all the things I want to say along the way there, only to clam up and decide it can wait for another time because why not just have another casual fun night hanging out and save the real shit for later? Or maybe I tell myself that I won't contact someone anymore, but after that glass of wine texting sounds like a grand idea that I won't later regret.
I hate that I start thinking about all the ways my life has not gone right around the new year. I know I have it better than a lot of people in the world. This isn't about being able to take care of myself. Sure I am bad at buying new contacts and I have a temporary crown in a tooth that has been in way too long, but I can also afford my cost of living, go out occasionally, feed my cat and myself, etc. This is more about how I see myself repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
I'm impatient for everything to happen, but I'm also easily excitable and my mind loves to live in Futureland. In order for things to actually shift I need to realize that Futureland will be full of cat fur, wine nights, and me writing on this blog for the rest of my days lamenting about the younger me that just let day to day life happen to her... I'm almost going on two years on this site and if I do it for three I think all of you will get terribly sick of my Why Me? posts. I know I play a large part in what happens to me. It's just easy to realize when you are the problem and hard to figure out how to solve it, permanently. The easiest thing to do is write about it. Then promptly forget about my woes until the next time I feel the urge to unload on the internets.
I'm giving myself a countdown clock. My resolution is to not be writing poor lonely single lady woes here in the year 2013. Which means.... I will feel no shame in doing just that for the NEXT YEAR of my life. You have been warned.
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