Crutches, Wine, and Some Good Paul Varjak Wisdom.

"Well, baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."

Today was a bad day. Nothing horrendous happened, but it's been one of those days where you feel like the universe is against you every step of the way. Frustrated and irritated beyond belief while on my commute home my mind fluctuated between wanting to run away to start afresh or wanting to hear from some guy who could take my mind off of my current life.

That's when it hit me.

Much like a glass of wine to unwind from the stress of the day tonight I clearly saw how I sometimes contact guys to give me a distraction from my problems. I stopped myself from texting a couple of them this evening because I realized it would only temporarily take me away from my real life.

My real life is here and now. No matter who I'm with, what I do, where I go it will follow me. Probably the most important lesson that anyone can take to heart is that one. I am a big time offender of thinking a change of scenery is all it will take. Time and again all my former self finds a way back to me. Now, it's been a long time since I've up and moved somewhere new so I've since replaced that urge with fantasies of thing working out with guys in my life.

Sure some long shot possibilities of men can momentarily take my mind off of my frustrations, but in the long run it's about as healthy as any other vice. And the moral of this story is that I realized, in the moment, that this is unhealthy behavior. I abstained and I became that much stronger in order to win the fight for the life I want to live.

It May Be Snowing, But It's Hot Inside My Head.

This is the week that the cold winter has finally hit me. I've done pretty well so far, but I am craving some sun and beach action quite badly and my general demeanor has taken a turn for the worse because of it. So as I was headed up the street to my house from the bus an idea popped into my head that is probably the result of watching too many Lifetime movies. I don't want any ordinary beach vacation. What I want is to fly somewhere tropical where I will meet a tanned, svelte man who will show me how to live in the moment everyday and my life will forever be changed.

Mmmm yeah... so screw cold Seattle and its men. I want magic!

Tick-Tock Tick-Tock. Ticktickticktick!

No not that kind of clock. I started writing tonight about how it's the end of the year, reflecting on the life I've built so far, when I realized that my current life has just... happened. I constantly let life happen to me and, while that's given me some fun times it isn't giving me what I will want a year from now and I will be in basically the same place (with the same problems) as now. While life sometimes just needs to happen I know I have to play a major part in making my life what I want it to be as well.

I can be somewhat good for a bit pushing forward in my life, but then fun gets in the way and instant gratification is the best! Or I think about how I need to have a real, i.e. serious, conversation with someone I may want to be with, thinking of all the things I want to say along the way there, only to clam up and decide it can wait for another time because why not just have another casual fun night hanging out and save the real shit for later? Or maybe I tell myself that I won't contact someone anymore, but after that glass of wine texting sounds like a grand idea that I won't later regret.

I hate that I start thinking about all the ways my life has not gone right around the new year. I know I have it better than a lot of people in the world. This isn't about being able to take care of myself. Sure I am bad at buying new contacts and I have a temporary crown in a tooth that has been in way too long, but I can also afford my cost of living, go out occasionally, feed my cat and myself, etc. This is more about how I see myself repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

I'm impatient for everything to happen, but I'm also easily excitable and my mind loves to live in Futureland. In order for things to actually shift I need to realize that Futureland will be full of cat fur, wine nights, and me writing on this blog for the rest of my days lamenting about the younger me that just let day to day life happen to her... I'm almost going on two years on this site and if I do it for three I think all of you will get terribly sick of my Why Me? posts. I know I play a large part in what happens to me. It's just easy to realize when you are the problem and hard to figure out how to solve it, permanently. The easiest thing to do is write about it. Then promptly forget about my woes until the next time I feel the urge to unload on the internets.

I'm giving myself a countdown clock. My resolution is to not be writing poor lonely single lady woes here in the year 2013. Which means.... I will feel no shame in doing just that for the NEXT YEAR of my life. You have been warned.

Repeat After Me

Mantra courtesy of He's Just Not That Into You.

No answer is your answer. No answer is your answer.

How true, and yet...

... how completely unsatisfying.

I have some of the best nights hanging out with myself. Like right now as I am still dressed up from a date, drinking wine, and yelling at posts I hate on FB.

Wine Quote of the Night

Give me a man who looks like Sam Rockwell, with the voice of Van Morrison, the personality of Gilbert Blythe and I will be forever content.

F'n Hollywood

You know what I hate about romcoms? I hate how the guy the girl is meant to be with is the one that pushes her away time and time again because he feels he can't be the guy for her. It's like the girl has no say in the matter until he decides, way too late by the way, that no(!) she is the one for him and he's finally figured it out and she should all of a sudden dump the one that wanted to be with her from the start.

It's like the complete opposite of the tortoise and the hare story. The hare sweeps in at the last moment to take what he wants, when he wants it.

If At First You Don't Succeed Move the F On.

Last week I found myself thinking about how difficult attempting to date someone can be. I tend to have a chunk of time free between serious relationships where I either fast, go on a series of horrendous first dates, or get pulled into the orbit of someone I find myself really into, but they don't feel the same.

During these periods I wonder how I ever was able to get into a relationship. Suddenly the lightbulb lit up (in warm and flattering 2700K temperature btw). I looked back on my relationships. With the exception of one all of them just sort of happened. When both parties are into each other and genuinely want to get to know one another better then no games are played or needed. No fretting about whether it's his turn to contact you. No holding yourself back from texting that mundane story so as to act all casual like. Or wondering if you should act cool and aloof. No, when it's right all insecurities tend to melt away in the beginning.

I won't get into detail here, but I finally came to terms with the fact that I can't force someone to like me. Yes, I knew this small, yet very important detail all my life, but it's still a hard lesson to learn when you think you found someone that gets you and makes your stomach flutter about in excitement.

More than anything I have to remember that words alone don't hold value. No one (be they male or female) wants to be brutally honest and tell someone that it's just never going to pan out. Instead they go for the fade out... I've fallen victim twice this summer and no more! I have a weakness of daydreaming about a possible future with most any guy I am into. I'm not some freak, I honestly can't help thinking of the potential what ifs of the men I like.

Overall I am more than okay with the ghost town of a phone I have these days which means deep down I knew both opportunities were fleeting. I need to remember that some men are meant to be in your life for years and some only for a fleeting reconnection. When it's meant to be I won't feel the need to lay out every detail to my close friends for their interpretation. I won't have to sit, staring at this phone in my hands wondering how to sound fun and vaguely interested, but not desperate. I have to keep the faith that it has worked out in the past and it will again in the future.